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Mama In Waiting: A Journey in Infertility with Jill Renfro, Episode 13


Hey housewives. Come on in. You know, the dirty dishes are still in the sink and the laundry is still in the basket. Pop your air pods and make yourself at home here. I'm Tori. I'm Tracy. And we are You're unlikely housewives stepping out in faith and believing that God calls me unlikely. We are here to show you the appreciation and validation you deserve lead you to authentic relationships and release you from believing the cultural lies to restore your faith and wellness. Pull up those high waisted yoga pants that in your top knot and reheat your coffee for the third time today. Turn up the volume and let's go


hey, housewives, welcome. We are so excited to once again have a nether guest with us today. This is so fun to be sharing with our friend Jill. She is such a light and a joy. And we're really thrilled that she's going to share some really hard conversations yet joyous victories that she has had through a journey that is very dear to her heart, and can really relate to many others. And we will get to that in just a minute. But first we have a review. All right, we have got a review this week. And this is from Christie at simplicity for solopreneurs podcast. Love that these two gals are so real. It's like hanging out with a couple of girlfriends and chatting about all the important stuff. I encourage you to listen in and hang out with these housewives. You're gonna love them. Thank you so much, Christy. And if you would like your review to be read on next week's podcast, please be sure to leave one at Apple podcasts or even audible podcasts. And we'll read hopefully you next week. Okay, well, today we have our friend and guest Gil with our podcast, we've always shared our stories and our experiences. But we know we are not always the norm. There are a lot of other stories and experiences out there that we want to reach mamas. And Mama's in the waiting. And that is something that Jill has a very personal story with, we know that there are women who need more of this connection, this community and this feeling of hey, I'm not alone in what I'm going through. And Joseph an incredible job being very open about her journey. I've had the privilege of following this journey and praying for her and her husband. Hmm, already the emotions Jill, and her sweet baby. And it's just been such an honor to be a part of this with you. And first off, we have to give you a proper intro. Her husband is Dakota, they live in Texas. And so she's much warmer than we are right now. And she has had an incredible boldness in her faith that has also been just incredibly like inspiring to me as well. So with all of that, I'm gonna pass it over and say welcome to the unlikely housewives.


I'm excited to be here. I like that like housewives. You know, you watch all the things on TV and you're like, Ooh, I'm one of them. So I feel like I'm one of them right now. So I'm excited. I like you are ones I want to be a part of. I'm excited to be here. Yeah, we're a little bit warmer over here in Texas. It's cold for us. But I don't think we're like Snowden like y'all are the way that that works out. I'm just excited to be here. This is turned into a message in my life. It was an extreme mess. I feel like for a long time, and it's still a hot mess. But God's just use that mess to be a message. And I feel like my prayer every day going through a battle of infertility. And now as a new mom, he's seven months old today. Yeah, he's really cute, too. He's really cute has just been like God use me, use me as a vessel, use my voice, use the good, the bad, and the ugly to help someone else. Because I know that throughout all of my years of waiting in the valley, and some really, really dark days that I'm not proud of. But it's part of me. And it's my it's my story. And I know that God didn't love me any less on those dark days, if I could relate to someone or give a little bit of hope, or to show someone that they're not alone in that valley. And that true beauty comes from ashes. I'm willing to do that. I'm willing to put all my mess out there so that it can turn to be a message for someone else.


Yeah. And that's something that since I've known you almost six, seven years now, you have been an open book once to


open and close people in my life, but that's okay. Well,


and that's something that I think probably drew a lot of people into you is it it wasn't something that just happened when you started walking through infertility. It's who you are. Your reputation precedes yourself before the trial so people were inspired by you and then even more so when you clung to your faith. And you've shared so openly.


You say like don't pray for like God's gonna test you, you know, we don't want to do that. Well, it's funny, quote unquote. For years, like before we ever even tried to have a baby like long before that, I would pray massively for God to use me like that was my prayer God used me like I would write it, I would speak it and I would pray it, I didn't think that he was going to put me in this valley to use me. I didn't ask for that. But I can't believe that I say this today, but it's very true. I'm very thankful for my journey in the waiting. I know, it's molded me into a person that he wants me to be. And that's, that's what I want. So let


me ask you this, obviously, we're going to get into your journey of infertility and what that's been like. But when we decide that we're going to have a baby or start planning, family planning, right, or the thought of it right, is we have all these expectations of how it's going to happen. You get off the birth control, you start going okay, well, I know, you know, your doctor says it'll just maybe take three to six months or a month, every time that you


honestly now hear that and I just like, it's like, you don't be like, Oh, honey, like that's the way that I feel like, Oh, honey, like that's cute. Like, that's the way that I feel about my own self. Right. So


but what were your expectations? Without knowing all this? What


were your expectations going into motherhood going, Oh, well, this


is just gonna happen. What was that, like?


Health is very important to me, I have taken care of myself for a while, a long time, I come from a long line of overweight, diabetes, high cholesterol, like the list goes on and on. And I wanted to break those generational curses a long time ago. And I have always put my health first I really have and that's been important to me and into our home. And my husband and I got married 10 years. And we, you know, had the idea if we were married for a little while. We're gonna have maybe and I remember, I mean, I can't you look at like New Year's like, this is the year this is your like, we're going to try and we're going to do it. So I thought it was gonna be real pretty. I really did I thought was me real pretty. Like, here you are Jill, you've got regular periods, you're fit, you're working now you're doing great. Like through you were on the pill. And now you're just gonna, like, get off the pill. Like your husband. Look at him. He's like, got it going on. And he's fit and he's there. And like, he's not overweight, and he takes care of himself. And like, Y'all got a great house, we got a great job and you're going to church and you're fasting and you're praying and you're involved and you're doing and you've been one hell of an aunt like I am. Yeah, you've loved other people's babies. And this is it. Let's just do it. Like I honestly thought it was gonna happen like first time like first cycle like I knew it. I could tell you to the moment I guess I get TMI here. I can tell you to the moment like you're gonna bleed on that day at that time. That's how much I could clock my periods. That's how regular I was. So I wasn't someone coming into this. Like, I don't know when I ovulate. I don't know my menstrual cycle. No, I knew. I'll tell you on Wednesday at 10am that I'm supposed to start my period. Like, I know that. And so I thought Yeah, I already know what ovulate you know, your green days like go like I thought it was gonna be like that. Little did I know. According to my pink pretty glitter pin plan. You know, it was so far off from


well, Jill, tell us a little bit of a timeline. Obviously, you maybe didn't start sharing publicly about your journey right away. So how long did this journey take to get to where you are today?


About five and a half years? Yeah, about five and a half years. I am someone if you just if you know me for a little bit. I use humor I use sarcasm is like


I knew we were going to be best friends. And you're from and you're from Texas. Oh my god. It's just it's meant to be we're so


sorry. Love you. So it's funny because people can be like, no joke driving, and then like close people in me will be like, Mmm hmm, like your sarcasm come out of voice like it's another joke. Another job. Another joke No, like that so much. So I covered up. That's who I am. And I cover up things almost to the point to where when it does come out. Things are not okay. Like I'm talking about it now because it's not okay. Not like, and we're kind of getting there. No. Finally, if I say something, something's been festering for a while, like, that's where I'm at. So I probably started openly talking about it, when we were going into an IUI cycle. So if anybody's ever gone through infertility or anything, usually you are trying that means actively trying at home in the bed with your partner. On the right days, the Green Days, as your OB will say for a year without success. That is when they then label that point of infertility. So I know that if a woman because I know there's probably a lot of different people who are listening to this, and I'll tell you that three months is a long time when you're ready. Six months is a long time when you're ready, and you're already starting to question things and I'll talk on that in a bit. But according to a doctor, it's a year so I knew we were healthy. Yeah, I knew things were great. So I was like, okay, you know, next month, okay, next month before you notice any year, and then you're like, all right, hmm, well, I'm not like 21 over here. And so maybe my next annual like, I should bring it up like, I don't know, you know, because I haven't been on the pill. I haven't refilled that prescription was that look like, and so about a year in probably four months or so that I did go to my normal OB and said, like, so we've actively tried every month, every day that we possibly could, and like, what will happen? Like, because people say, April speak, we'll see. And everybody didn't lie, like what's going on? And we've spent all these years preventing this thinking like, Oh, we're going to vacation we're going to do and then here we are, and like, what's going on? So I brought that up to my OB. And she was just like, oh, wow, you know, like, I didn't even know that that was something that y'all were trying because again, I'm very good friends with her as well. And I am guarded with humor and sarcasm. And so when I finally do talk about something, it's because I'm like, hey, this hurts, I'm not okay. And so at that point in time, I started doing medicated cycles, meaning there's an awful drug out there. It works for some women. And some of my best friend's babies are born on this, and I love it. But gosh, it makes you a double. It's called Clomid. And so it's called medicated cycles. I was on clomid for a few rounds, meaning few menstrual cycle rounds without any success. And then one of the next big steps that you can move into is called IUI. And that's where they actually take sperm and they just like move it or get a little TMI ladies, they just like, move it right up on up into the area and they put it right beside, like they pass your fallopian tubes, the tube goes in your fallopian tubes, and they set it right where it needs to be. So it does not get lost in the pipe. Like that's the definition of it. Because sometimes swimmers can't swim, like Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. They just get lost in that cycle. And that's how all of us are truly a miracle that we made it like we were the one when you start really thinking about that. We don't at all until you're in this journey. And then you're like, God put his seal of approval on me. Like I won the race. Like I did that. Whoa, like, this is so cool. No, it is like you don't think about it.


I just read a meme that just said when you're having a bad day, just remember you're the sperm that one


through and I never thought about it that deep. You know, I took a lot of science classes and things and you're okay, whatever. And then finally, when you're in this, you're like, No, no, no, you're telling me there's millions of those things, millions, and one can't do it. Like, that's where you're like, okay, all right. God said none of them were them. Like, okay. And so if you truly think about our life, talk about divine appointment and divine purpose over us. So that's a whole nother topic. But anyways, they take it, they put it right where it needs to be. So it doesn't have to swim. And a lot of people have great success with IUI. I have some great friends that have IUI babies, and it's a lot less invasive. You do it right there in office. There's no big shots involved. You're not having surgery, you walk in, you walk out and you're like, Okay, this is great. Like, this is going to be fantastic. So right before we started prepping for IUI I was not okay. That's when I first said like God, things are not well with your soul. And that was hard for me to say for a long time because in Scripture and everything is these Well, muscles. Well, what about when it's not well with your soul, you know, because it was not well with my soul, and I've said it and I'll say it again. I'm one great aunt, like I love other people's babies. I'm going to pick them up and buying things and love them and spoil the heck out of them. And I was throwing another baby shower and throwing another one and I'm that girl and here we are about to go into this and it kind of like hit me one day I cover up a lot of my group pain. I guess you could say by being busy. I work out I eat right I cook I work on my own business. We're busy. Like I finally was said one day out loud. Even to my husband. I didn't even verbalize this to him. I just said, I'm not okay. Like, this is hard for me. I didn't picture us being here. Why do we need help? What's wrong? That's when the enemy came in. And he did everything he could to tell me. Something was wrong with me. My body wasn't able. I've ruined it. I was too healthy, or it's worked out too hard, or that I was being punished. And I held on to that one for a long time. I can be open book here. premarital sex. That was part of my story. My husband and I did not save ourselves for marriage. And I thought this is like a punishment. What do we wow, you know, like we spent all this time avoiding that money on birth control and condoms and this and that. And then here we are. We desperately want this and it's not happening. Like, and the enemy told me. It's because I did something wrong. And I was not worthy of that blessing. That's a damn lie. That is a complete damn lie. But I believe that for a long time, so when we went into our IUI cycle, I remember the first post I made on social media. I was sitting in my car. Nobody saw my face because it was a mess. I mean, there's just tears and snot for days I was alone, my husband was working. And this is where I'll get into this too. I went alone. Big mistake, ladies, don't ever go alone. Bring your best friend, your mom, or tell your husband because I have an amazing husband. He's so good. But you know how you have to tell husbands? Like, I would like this period? You know, if we say like, no, don't get me flowers, like hanging flowers, I'll get even happen. So if you want flowers, you have to say like, Yeah, I like those flowers. Right? And so he was like, Do you want me to go with you? And I was going for like a blood draw a vaginal ultrasound, and basically prepping for the IUI like, that was it? And now it's gonna be like, 10 minutes, I'll be great. I'm fine. I'm fine. My best friend. She's, Hey, you want me to just ride in the car with y'all sit in the car, you know? No, no, I'm good. I'm good. I mean, that was me. And then I got back to my car. And I couldn't even drive, like I couldn't even drive. And I didn't even know the words, I didn't even know what to say. And for me, a therapy in my life is like to write I'm real passionate with words. I'm a reading and writing teacher by trade, if you didn't know that, and I love writing, I just think there's such a story to tell through everything. Words are powerful. And a lot of times I can't speak it, but I can write it. And so I just grabbed my phone. And I went to the notes section. And I just started typing. And it's like, I didn't even give myself time to overthink it. Or to say like, Hey, this, you shouldn't put this out there on social media. I'm a big social media person. I love social media. I think it's powerful because we can connect with people. And I think that it's really cool to have that support system all across, you know, and people who do become prayer warriors that you didn't even know that we're praying for you. And so I snapped a picture of my arm after like nine valves of blood were taken. And it was all wrapped up. And I bruise very easily. And I remember my workout shorts, it was just my arm. And I just typed and I just said, things are not well with myself. And I just said this is where we're at. This is where we've been. And I'm struggling. And we have been labeled on paperwork, a couple who's going through infertility in fertile, that word does not define me. But the enemy is trying to tell me that it is. And so anyways, I opened up that day. And from that day on my social media family all over I mean, wow. I mean, it was it was unshakable, the love that I felt. And I'm so glad that day that I just operated honestly, through the Holy Spirit, like I just did it. Because if I would have sat there and thought for a moment, I would have totally talked myself out of that and said, That's too much. You really haven't even talked to some of your friends about this yet. Like you should make phone calls, you should keep this in your inner circle. And I just did. And I know that that was God totally moving through my body because they were people that flooded into me in saying and telling me their hopes, stories and truly praying. And then from that day forward, there was not one day in my social media box for three years that I did not have a message from somebody not one day for three years that somebody's not either a say, Hey, I'm thinking of you. I'm praying for you. I'm speaking this baby into existence. We're putting your name in our prayer circle at church. Here's my friend story. Here's what we went through my baby took 10 years. I mean, not one day, did God not put somebody in my path that breathed hope in life into me. So I know, if it wasn't for that. There are some days I wouldn't have the strength to show up. Just show up as me to show up as a wife to show up as a business owner as a friend. And I'm so thankful that I just did without thinking. Because I needed that.


Yeah, sometimes we just need that nudge. I mean, God does that a lot. I'm a writer, too. It is absolutely a outlet. I'm a journaler. And I am the overthinker overthinker to the point that I almost didn't do this podcast, you know, like, if it wasn't for this one sitting next to me in this tech. I


like to be the Holy Spirit. Part two.


It was it. I mean, it's it was something that I knew I needed to do. And I was being held back. But she was the encouragement and the push. And I love that you had that because it really is God uses voices in not just this but in writing. And in journaling and in sharing. And I mean, look at where you are now and what he has done through you, like so amazing.


He truly uses people to speak to people where the hands and feet of Jesus, we just have to open up and say use me and he will. And I know that he speaks through other people to speak to us. And he gives us that holy clarification and that God wink or slap in the face or whatever it is say like, I'm still here. So hearing, I was showered in that by being vulnerable. And it was really hard for someone who puts on a front and is like, I'm gonna like girl, I'll take care of you and everybody but I truly needed people to see that I was not okay so that they could love me for where I was at because I needed grace. And I didn't know how to give myself grace in that


season. Curiosity. Do you know what Enneagram number you are?


Okay, so what's the Enneagram number that the person who doesn't want to take the test? That's the number that I am.


I want to say that's an eight Okay, well,


somebody told me, No, I have taken the test. And I will tell you this, it relates to this. I took the test, it was this big thing going around my company, and it was like, take your Enneagram open up anybody? Yeah. Alright, sounds good. And I took it on my back porch after our second loss. And then I was in a really, really, really dark place. I was probably the darkest I ever was, was after our second loss. I told God ffU Yeah, that's a lot. That's how dark it got for me. And I took it then. And I knew my girlfriends, were just trying to like, distract me, you know, oh, we should take this couch personally. And so I truly don't even remember what the result said I was in such a brain fog. But I should totally take it again. And people have told me or they've said eight and they've said three. They're like, Oh, you're so with three? Oh, you're so eight. I don't know.


We have another friend who's a three. And so I guess it but I just I was just curious, because I like the humor and the sarcasm. Like is like my mechanism to deflect. I don't like feelings. I don't need feelings. I don't want to feel the feeling thing.


But what's funny though, is I am someone I'm gonna cry with you like I am I am someone I want to hold your hand and look at you and be like, my eyes are on you. Like we're talking right now. And so I do feel really big. But I also in this weird way. It's like, Heads up, heads down my heads up is like we're gonna feel together. But then my heads down is like, your good big girl panties are on. We're gonna roll. We're gonna roll like that's me. So it's I'm so opposite of my own self. So I don't know.


It's so interesting, because I've seen you in both seasons, you know? And you are right, that you can like, no, it's time to buck up, sis. Like we're done with that now and we're moving


on. I did it yesterday. I haven't posted it yet. But it's like Instagram real and it's like, are you gonna cry about it? Or boss? I'm gonna do both like, that's me to the tee. First of all, I'm gonna do both. Yeah, I'm gonna have a moment and feel. But you bet your waist. I'm gonna like lawnmower it down? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I probably need therapy. So that's, there you go. That's your like your personality. You need professional help. Remember, like,


therapy is good for everybody. That should just be


part of like, but yeah, you're live. Let's get you therapists


on there. Yeah, let's go.


Let's go back to when you started this second phase. Tell us because I know this is a little bit more of a roller coaster to get to where you are now. A pandemic happened in season two. So share with us.


Oh, when we started. Okay, so IUI we were there. We did a few rounds of IUI with no success. And if I could go back, that would be the one part of my stories, my story. But if I could go back and say like, Joel, y'all shouldn't have spent time there. And that season, you should have just, you know, gone with your gut and said, No, we need to go further. But of course, I'm thankful for everything. But IUI for us was obviously complete waste of time, money, emotions, and heartache. And so if any girl or anyone is listening to this, and they feel something deeper in their soul, you're like, oh, I don't know about this. I don't know. I think we need to go over there. Follow your gut, just follow your gut, it's okay to be that girl and call that specialist. It's okay to be that girl that goes in asks another doctor, it's okay to say hey, can we run that test too? And I feel like one of the biggest things I learned through this and be an advocate, you know, advocate for yourself, and speak up. You know, we don't I'm not a doctor. I don't know all the medical stuff. And so I know when a doctor does tell me like, oh, this Oh, that I'm like, okay, you know, and so what I did learn through the thicket of this is when I wasn't okay to say, Hey, don't understand that. And what is it that one do for that? And why would this you know, start digging. And I was so scared to be that girl that I don't want to say I got walked on, but I just floated through. I mean, I had great doctors, I loved him, but I felt like I just floated through because it was like, you know the next step in Candyland, go here, go here. And I knew that we should have gone further. So all that to say my beautiful son wouldn't be here today if we skipped it. But if you do feel something, take that step, go for it be the voice. So after failed rounds of IUI. My OB she went to residency school with a really great guy who was an OB for a long time and then he ended up being an embryologist specialist. He was just basically a specialist for anybody in infertility and like the fancy terms to dumb it down. And he was about two hours from our house and I love my OB to death and she just said, I'll never forget this issue. There's nothing else I can do for you. There's nothing else I've done everything that I can do. And he always cases out out of my hands and I truly like as your professional as your friend say, I don't want you to spend any more time and emotion here with me. I'm going to be with you through this but I need you to go see my friend and you can only get into him with a referral. And I will text him today and tell him your name and that you're coming and if this is what y'all feel led to do. And my husband was with me at that appointment pray Scott, I did say come because I've always said, and so after we had gone home, I was shook. I was almost like, yes, yes, let's go. But then like the other flip side of me flip that coin was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, IVF. Like, that's extreme. That's like, 50 grand. That's like surgeries. That's like, whoa. And then my faith, you know, was going up and down. And I had a moment in our kitchen, I remember exactly where I was standing. And I looked straight at my husband. And I said, I said, we would never do any of this. We're not supposed to do any of this. I mean, I was just like, operating on a true emotion. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because before we ever started having a baby, so let's, you know, backtrack five, six years before that. We had the conversation, you know, what would that look like? Where would we go what we do. And I remember, it's crazy. You can remember like, what you're wearing where you were sitting when something is so like, defined in your life. And I guess God wanted me to remember this, because it was gonna pick this back up. And I remember telling him Yeah, but we'll never go to that extreme. If it's not meant to be at Summit to be if God says, we're gonna have a baby, we'll have a baby naturally. And that's like women and and we're not going to force that. And so I'm standing there in our kitchen, looking at him, like losing my ever loving mind and said to him, but I said, we wouldn't do this. I, this is not God's plan for us. But I want our baby, I want a biological baby. I desperately desire that. And I looked at him and said, I don't want to adopt right now. Like, that's closed in my heart. Like, I'm not open to that I want to be pregnant, I want to give birth, I want you to look at me, like husbands look at their wives, when they are carrying their baby, I want to have a baby shower, I want the selfish things of that. I want the materialistic everyday experiences of that. And I don't want God to be mapped. And I like stood in our kitchen. And I wrestled with that my husband is one of the best men that walks this world. He's the true definition of a brother, a friend, like a spiritual leader in our home. And he just completely looked at me and he said, What god are you talking about? And I mean, he's so calm, he never raises his voice. He doesn't scream, he doesn't yell. If Dakota's yelling, we all got to run like the house is on fire. And he's like, what god are you talking about? And I'm just going on, if nothing over here, and he said, The God that we serve will never leave us at a doctor's office ever. The God that we serve doesn't leave cancer patients at chemo. So why is he going to leave us at a specialist to have a baby, he creates life. And if he wants that life created, there's no medicine or doctor that can stop it and allow it he will. And it just like came over me that I was wrestling with like, I don't even know the word for it's like you have the devil on one side and angel on the other. And you're going back and forth of like, but the book says, But wait, the world says and what you say and your feelings are. And I truly had to, like just shut down what Jill thinks and what Jill thought should be and say, who's my God, and I had to write it. And I'm a prayer journal as well. And I had to write that out and say, My God is the God of life. My God is the God of grace. My God is the God of forgiveness. My God is the God of mercy. My God is the God of miracles. My God is the God who creates smart people and medication. My God is the God who puts paths and people in places and orchestrates things. My God never will stop holding my hand ever, and especially on an operating table or the doors of a doctor's office. And so I truly had to check my own faith and say, What god are you serving? Because the God that you serve will never, ever leave you ever. It's not like we get to a point in our journey, especially with infertility and say, well, we've done as far as we can got in the bed. So you sit here on the bench, and we're going to go that way and nice. No, it's like, that is almost just like laughable to even think that that's the God that we serve. But in that situation, I truly felt like that. And I would say that, you know, I've been a Christian for a long time, long time. And I've been you know, working on my faith journey for a long time. And I still battled that so if someone I that's probably one of the biggest inbox questions I get all the time on Instagram or anything of someone saying but you know, we're struggling this my husband things are I think if it was God's will, we would have had a baby. You're right, God's Will we're gonna have a baby. But he doesn't say how I mean, if God wants look at Mary, y'all like look at Mary. That was not the norm. You know, he just said, Let there be life and that baby is happening. And it is and he'll use any way any person even if he drops a baby on your doorstep. And you didn't expect it more pray for it. Right? And so I battled that for a while, but thankfully with amazing husband and through prayer, I had complete peace to take the next step for us to go see that specialist. So we saw a specialist and that was in the fall of 2019. Those are like August, August, September and so before pre pandemic like we were all living our best lives. You know, we're like going and doing we Little did we know we was gonna get to March. So we were in the middle of the deepest of darkness of our IVF journey, we had just lost our second we lost our first in January of 2020. And we lost our second literally the day before the world shut down March 2020. So then, here I am my behavior, I can be a bulldozer. And I'm like, Okay, I'm going to feel this. I'm going to grieve this. I love this baby. But what are we going to do next? What's our next step? And then my doctor's office calls me and said, everything is a hole, the doors are shut, we're done. Stop taking all of your medicine. We're done. prepping your body. We don't know when we'll come back. Like we don't know. But y'all are on first round for whenever we we don't know. And so we were on a waiting game for about six months to even start our treatments again, to know that we could do another cycle of IVF.


Wow. That's incredible.


That was hard. That was really hard. Because you couldn't do with your friends. The church didn't close the doors close. But the church was still virtual, the church is always going. But I needed that place. I needed my friends. My best friend was seven hours away. And everyone she had a newborn and nobody wanted to kill her baby of COVID. So we didn't go visit her touch her. Everything was done everything. And at that point in time, I actually I work I own my own business. But at that season of my life, I chose about six months prior to take a job outside of the home, I became a front desk receptionist at an intermediate school here in town or my sister's, one of the principals. And I loved it. It was so fun. I was smiling and loving on babies. And I truly just clocked in loved kids and people and I clocked out. But I took that job, because I needed to my soul needed to not for finances, not for time, but I could not be in a quiet home any longer that I desperately desired it to be loud. I wanted a crying baby, I wanted something to do. I mean, I was just losing my mind in our beautiful home that we had built for a family and prayed for it for so death and I didn't want to be there. So I removed myself from the home of somebody who's always wanted to work from home and said, I cannot be in this house any longer. So that job that I was loving, the door's locked, like I truly was back into a home, mourning our second loss and not knowing where


to go. The isolation when the world shut down is incredible, right? We all have our own stories of what and to think of different season that people were in and like that the crisis for you happen just a day was literally 24 hours. Yeah, yeah. And then to be told, like, that's just so unreal. I mean, like if the devil didn't use that time to just


and I feel like a girl who is in a season of waiting a mama who's in a season of waiting and I felt like God gave me that title at that exact day. weak moment, not weak moment, but weak, calm and moment. He told me like your mother and waiting, you know, I felt like I didn't belong for so long. You know, you go to a birthday party. You go to a barbecue, you go somewhere. Women flock with women. Men go stand on the barbecue pit kids are playing with kids, right? Well, when women are in a conversation it's Oh girl heat my baby did it I heated that or Oh, no, no, no, my labor lasted this long. Oh, girl, I tell you about my heartburn. And like the list just goes on and on. And I was the only one that didn't have a baby in our inner circle or outer circle. I mean, everything. And I truly felt like I didn't belong. I couldn't add anything to conversation. I couldn't say Yeah, girl, me too. I couldn't voice what I kind of thought I didn't think because you're like, you're not a mom, you know, and I only hear from you. And so I just truly felt handicapped. And I felt like I didn't belong. And I was searching for that. And so then here, this was this world shut down. And I was struggling so big. And I felt like God told me to be even bolder and more vulnerable on social media to connect with other people who are in this season. And I was already sharing really big but that's when I truly started sharing like, some deep emotion about what I was going through and the weighting of this and I was as a girl who you wait for the next cycle, you wait for the next med report, doctor's appointment and all of that got taken away. And I hate to say like my hope came in that because our hope comes in Jesus but my hope a lot of days was like okay, seven more days and we go back to the doctor and we'll find that out. Okay, and okay, I got 17 days of this pill after when I take this pill will know that next cycle and when that'll start so like, you're hoping for the next appointment, the next report will get you good news to get to somewhere else to have a victory because you're looking for any victory in that in all of my like, hoping for a victory that I could hold on to like was just stripped and gone. So I went into a season of if I can't control something, what can I control and I truly buckled down on myself. And I felt like God was like, Hey, you don't want to be in Home, let me make you love your home. You don't like yourself, let me make you love yourself, you don't like your body, I'm going to show you how to love your body. And so I am so thankful that I truly was just a mess. I was just a puddle on the floor and that there really wasn't pieces to put together. I was just like a blank slate. And I just said, God use me. And during that time, I learned to love my home, I learned to love to cook again, I learned to love to read again, I learned to love to run again and work out and express myself in ways that darkness was holding me back. I know that I needed that healing, that six months was really hard to pull, you know, from me, and especially with everybody but the pandemic. But I didn't even know that I needed that break from medicine. And I didn't even know that I needed that break to truly love myself again. And I know that he put me in a position to love myself so that I could be a mom that loved herself in pregnancy that I could love my body in the next stage that I didn't even know that was that was right around the corner.


So I have a question for you. Because this is something that I know you're passionate about talking about is what mamas on the other side, who haven't been in your shoes, right? We're the moms that do stand around at the birthday parties and talk and share stories. What's your advice to us? Obviously, who we are, we're sisters in Christ, we're going to give the mom as a hug. We're gonna be the ones that are praying, pray warriors, you know, but we're not perfect, either. And there may be some people that we're meeting in our communities that are going through that, that we don't know are going through that. How do you encourage those of us that have kids that know that there's some that aren't in or struggling?


What's so funny is when we go to meet somebody, right? We pick our handout, we say, Hey, I'm Julie, are you oh my gosh, and we ask these two questions immediately. Are you married? Do you have kids? And I say this to everyone too, because I have a girlfriend of mine who she's desperately praying for that man, that amazing man that's going to come into her life. But one of the first things we say as women and we don't mean it out of any harm is Oh, are you married? We have no idea. If her husband just cheated on her, we have no idea if any what just happened, what relationship she came out of, we have no idea what went on. And so we don't think these little conversation starters are triggers for people. But for someone who was a mother and waiting for a long time, they're massive triggers. And I've learned that more in my community of infertility in this has been administering and outreach in my life. That question of Do you have kids is a big trigger. And it makes me emotional today. Because you just don't want you know, you don't want to unload on somebody. And people see me now with my son is always at your first What do you say? You know, do you stop in the middle of Walmart in sight? Well, I got three more waiting for me to happen. But we don't know. And miscarriages, one in four and infertility is one in eight. I mean, look around your church pews, the row you're sitting on, there's three women who's had a miscarriage and you don't even know, you know, there's three women who've lost a baby, you don't know, there's you know, we don't know these things that are trigger points. And so if I could challenge anybody, and this is all of us, let's find new conversation starters that are not trigger points. Let's say things like, Hey, girl, so tell me about yourself. Because when someone's going through this valley, if somebody comes came up to me and said, Hey, girl, so nice to meet you tell me about yourself, I would immediately say they didn't even ask. But within the first two minutes, I'm probably going to bring up the word infertility, IVF or loss, and they even ask, but at that point in time, I invited them into this space and said, I'm okay to talk or relate, or to share hope. I've challenged my own self through this long journey to find those new conversation starters. And what I have found is one of the best ones is I'm so excited to me, tell me, tell me about yourself and just let people talk before you know it. Someone's gonna say, well, actually, I was divorced three years ago. And so here I am. They say that we say these things openly without us having this trigger moment. So if I could challenge anybody, it would just say, Let's shut up and let's let people talk.


That's incredible. Thank you. Yeah, no, that is a really good thing that you don't and like the marriage thing. You don't think about that.


You know, if you go talk to my mom, my mom's married twice, and they were not good scenarios. One of them was my dad, God love him. I love him. Anyways, if you were to say like, Hey, tell me about yourself. She would say well, I was a single mom and I raised two girls, she would say that immediately. But if you say hey, are you married should go well now. I'm alone. And then that just like triggers you know of Here I am, again alone. But we totally can twist it. A simple swap and words totally brings up a new emotion in us.


Absolutely. Okay, well, we have some more story to tell. So when you had six months, and then you got a phone call, that you were going to get to start again?


Kinda Not really? No, it was August. So I was at March, right? So August of that year, we got an email. And that said, hey, when you're ready to start, let's start. Let's go. Let's do our doors are back open. Let's get going. And so what is crazy, this part of my story? Here, you would think I'd been like, yes, we're in the car on the way to Houston, let's go, because that's where my specialist was. I freaked and I lost it. And here's the deal is why I lost it. Because it's all my husband, I finally felt a little normal. I finally felt a little normal. I knew we weren't going to lose again. Because there was nothing to lose. My body was not pumped in medicine. I'm not hurting from a surgery. I don't feel handicapped. I don't feel crippled. Like, wait, we will wait. Like I knew the extreme pain. And taking that next step. I was saying, Okay, I'm ready to go have pain again. And that was hard. And so again, I got an amazing husband. And so we have a jeep. It's one of his like toys. So we went on a Jeep ride, and we stopped to get coffee. And he just said exactly what I needed. My husband and leader of our home to say, he just said, Hey, babe, all we can do is just open up every door. And when we open up every door, God's gonna move. But if we have doors closed, and we're not willing to do, he's not gonna operate because we're just sitting there, right? We're like, okay, let's show up. And so he just said, can I tell you how I feel? And that was powerful for me. And I'm like, you know, so. He said, I just feel like when you open up all doors, I think we need to call him an adoption agency. I think we need to prep for the next surgery. I think we need to go back to the specialist. I think that we um, he just said, I just think we need to do it all. And we're God's gonna move. He's gonna move, but we just got to open the doors. That's what we got to do. So that day at the coffee shop, we contacted an adoption agency here in our town, they immediately got with us immediately loved our story immediately. I mean, we're a Christian couple involved in a church, mid 30s. Lost babies, not that you look for the ideal people. But on paperwork, we look pretty even though we're really a hot mess. We immediately got plugged in with them. That was a Saturday, we emailed my nurse, and she's such a godsend. God, I love her. And she reminds me of Dr. Bailey off of Grey's Anatomy. Oh, that's funny. Looks like your talks like her acts like or like you're gonna cry out at her boss up. And so I'm like hell, but anyway, so you are on a Saturday. And she said, Monday, Monday, we'll move around, we'll get you in Monday. So literally, at this coffee shop, we opened up all doors and just did and here's what's funny, you know, we plan and we do. And so I'm like, Okay, so the adoption agency was not seeing people face to face because of COVID. Right. And so they wanted to Skype to get to know or, you know, zoom to get to know us. And we were open to that. And so we did and then my doctor's office was not allowing anybody else but the patient to go in there. And this was really, really hard for me. Because again, I told y'all, I was the person who's like, no, I got it. And then I realized, no, I don't got it, and you need your husband. And he went to everything with me and did I mean he did everything was right there. And honestly, like, walking into those offices gives me like full blown anxiety like to this day, I'm in a great place in my life and just going to the OB like just to go to the OB for like your normal checkup. I'm like heart palpitating, like I want to throw up in the chair. And it's awful. And so you need your safe place in your person. So anyways, they said he couldn't be a part of that. And so he was willing, of course, to drive me and sit in the parking lot and like be there the entire time not to go in. So we just opened up all doors, and just said, God, we're here. We're here. And we started at all.


And that was August of 2020 2020.


Yeah, that was the pandemic year. And they found some kind of blips, I guess you could say, thankfully, I'm so glad at that point, I was devastated because it pushed it back even more, you know, with my uterus and where it was at and how it was looking. And we found out that my body was not producing enough progesterone to literally grow full term life. So why I was constantly losing baby after baby. And so we did this procedure to figure out how it's crazy. Science is so amazing. We did this procedure, it's called an era. And what they do is go in and figure out literally exactly the type of healthy home your body needs, down to the estrogen level to the progesterone level, for the uterus lining level blood level, so that your body can produce full term life and girl baby, right? And so we did this procedure, it took about a month to prep for it with the medicine protocol, the surgery healing in results, and I was kind of like, Do we really have to do this, like, oh my gosh, like, this is a lot. And I'm so glad that we did. We found out a red flag and I found out my body was not producing enough progesterone and my doctor, he's so funny. He's a good looking guy, his real cute, and he wears cowboy boots and scrubs and he's just $1 and a half and anyways, he like looked at me and he was like, I'm do this and he was like he's a Christian. God, he's so great him and his wife went through infertility. That's how he ended up in the specialty that he is. And anyways, he just said, God can do this, we can do this. And he was like, I just found out some good news. So he called me with bad news, which was good news. It was bad news, because we found out more was wrong. But it was good news because it gave him some knowledge and insight to say, like, I can do this. We can do this. God can do this. And he over and over again, just kept telling me, oh, we're not done. We're so not done. Like, oh, no, he's like, give me some more time. Give me some more credit. Like, look, give me some hope. And so he was like, no, no, God's not done here. And so I'm so glad we were derailed in that. Because literally, the next cycle we started, led to our son,


so amazing, incredible. And sweet boy arrived.


So it was at 2am That morning, I got up, and I put on my workout clothes, and I did it 2:30am workout, which I probably been asleep for 40 minutes, you just don't sleep know that you're gonna go into surgery. And medicine sucks and everything sucks. You know? So and you're thinking, Well, I mean, right? Gonna walk out pregnant, be, I'm gonna walk out, knowing that I'm willing to be pregnant for a few days or week someone loses baby, or C, or life is gonna change forever, right? Like, here we go. And so at 230 in the morning, I did a workout my husband like comes out into the living room. He's like, What are you doing? And I'm like, I just looked at him and like anger, and I'm not an angry person ever. And I just said, I'm just doing this workout, because this is the last workout that I'm gonna do without a healthy baby inside of me. And I'm not gonna be able to do this ever again. And like I lost my mind. He was like, okay, yeah. Okay. He just let me be in the hallway to Euston which is a two hour drive. I Just like blasted the work, like worship music. And I just said, I don't, I can't talk. I don't want to talk. And I just blasted it. And my hands were shaking so bad. And my doctor God loving, and he's so happy. But he's like, realistic, and I'm in, like, pre op area. And he just busts in there. And I look obviously like this. And I'm not smiling. I'm not joking. He knows my mechanism is humor. And he said, You ready? And the nurse had known her before as a new nurse. And she said, Well, we got into this, this this and I guess out of anger. I said, I know this isn't my first rodeo. And I said it, obviously pretty stern. And he turned around and he said that this rodeo is eight seconds. Okay. And like, you know, obviously rodeo, you won't be able to. So I go into the O R room and it's real quiet. I'm freezing to death. And they bring they let Dakota in which maybe it was because it was 4am in the morning, and we were the only patients there and they let him in. So I'm not going to tell the hospital who give him trouble. Thank God. And I was so cold and I kept bringing in like warming blankets. And my doctor. He was like, You know what? Changing it up today. And he was like, Y'all blast Texas country in this room now. And doctors and anesthesiologist were like, Why? Like, and he was just, I don't know, play something Texas country. And so they the whole time I was in the or they were playing Texas country. And he just said, You know what? This one's gonna be seconds. And so anyways, he spoke our language and it was great. And we had a beautiful baby boy named Greg


suede. Jin. Was that when he was born? 21


Yeah. So he was actually a twin. We lost sister. And he's a miracle.


And he is the cutest thing in the world. Really? Yeah.


He's pretty cute. And there's not a day that goes by that. Of course, I think he's beautiful as mom, but just something that he does, he'll wink or he'll giggle or he'll just do something. And I'm like, if you only knew the prayer that covered you. And like it, I almost can't wait for him to be like four or five or six years old until like, Come to me one day and say, like, Mama, they don't want to be my fruit. Or they said I'm not good enough. Like I almost just want to like, I can't even imagine the day that I give you space and say you don't even know the prayer that's covering you. And that the calling you have on your life, you are more than good enough. Your seal of approval. Everything was for you. Because you're not sure you were supposed to be here on that day. You out did all the odds every bit when somebody said you weren't gonna be here you showed up. That's how strong more


Oh, gosh. I will say you remind mamas that are in the hard to see the blessings. And we need to do more of that to as mamas in you know, we like to share the real we like to share the hard because we want to be relatable. But that's the one thing that like, it is so simple because those conversations happen every day in my world. You know, and but it's I don't ever I mean, I do stop and say like you have no idea the calling that is on your life, like this moment isn't your hardest moment, I promise like, God's with you through it all, you know, and it's such a good reminder, we have these. We just had it this weekend, you know, a hard team day. And it's like, he knows, we all know, just like when you're in your rally and in your heart season like you know the truth. You know, God loves you. And there is so, so much available to you and love and grace, but it's so hard to accept it sometimes.


Absolutely. That's a big, like, been a huge learning curve in this season. For me, I'm just being a mom and waiting to say out loud before ever was pregnant with Greg's to say out loud and to know like, I'm worthy. I'm worthy to be a mom, I am worthy of full term pregnancy I am worthy to carry life like I am healthy, I am able because my God is able and there are times that you gotta say it even when you don't like believe it. Like it's like truly like faking it till you make it you have to fake it till you make it and say like, I mean, I can't tell you how many times I was just writing it and speaking and praying and believing it and speaking things into existence because the enemy will do everything you can to tell us that we just we don't deserve goodness and that we're doing something and we're messing up and that's why because it's our fault and we did this and so it's a true battle it is every day is like a valley but God he brings big beauty even in the valley I saw so much beauty in that waiting of people of connection of relationship of hope the beauty is is amazing.


Yeah the beauty of what he did with you in those six months yeah, no. Oh, he changed your heart


and now we know why he had to shut down the world you're not because


he said this is for gel is great. For Greg's I need you all to just wait.


So funny is that a girlfriend of mine she's a principal to in front of a lot of teachers and principals and she was like, Oh God, like here we go another week of virtual learning that I'm gonna get and I was at this point. I'm like, No, you need to be home you need to learn to love you do all that and I told her I was like friend No, no, no, like take one for the team. I need to be home okay, cuz I got to do this was like this is take one for the teachers are all right, I'll do a plan another week long of virtual learning to the yo Buck can be at the house and he'll love you. And so like,


well, one last question. And I know this is something that we had talked about too. And again, it's more for advice for the mamas in the waiting. You know, the hard part is when you're in the season, and you do get the invites to the baby showers and you get best friend notifications and calls like I'm pregnant and all of that. Do you have any additional advice that I mean, you've given so much it's been incredible. But for those mamas,


absolutely. The first thing that I would say is it is okay to not be okay. It is okay to say I am not okay. It is okay to remove yourself from situations and people, even people that you truly love, even people that you're going to love their baby you are it's your niece or nephew. It's your best friend's child but it is okay to say I can't do that right now. No, you don't have to verbalize that to them. If you don't feel confident in it, but you can remove yourself in a situation meaning like the baby shower, the birthday party, it's okay to say no, we can't come and it's also okay to communicate that with your inner circle and say I love you. I love this baby that you're having and I'm going to be the best aunt that I can be but I need you to know too. I'm struggling and so at the baby shower at the birthday party if I'm quiet or distant. I'm not mad at you. And I'm not mad at the situation. I'm truly struggling within myself and I had to say that to a few people. And when I did say that this is how you know who's in your inner circle those people are gonna say oh friend Oh my god you don't just free Oh, you're gonna have to be you tell me what you need. Oh, I love you. I'm praying for you. I don't need nothing from you those of your people now the girl that throws a fit and says How dare you not make this about my maybe change you in a circle? And that's even if that's your sister in law, even if that's your cousin, guess what? It's okay to have a boundary It's okay. My next big advice is one of the best buttons in the world is called unfollow. And I challenge you to use it. Don't block don't delete. Don't be mad. Just unfollow another girl that you went to high school with another girl that you work with. You can love her and love her from afar and love her with a boundary but it's okay to not see her next baby stomach bump date popping up in your feed and you truly can't can click the button unfollow. And then when you're ready, you can re follow them and a season that you're ready. It is okay to say I can't see her pictures when I make my scroll. I can't do it and remove yourself from that situation. But if somebody is in a season of waiting, my first advice would be you need to talk to your inner circle of people who are the people in your boat when you are having a bad bad bad day. Who are those people? Is it your mom, your dad? For your sister, your husband, you have got to verbalize your inner circle. You do not have to use social media as a therapy. You don't have to tell the world but you kind of need to do talk to some close people so that they can give you grace, and they can love you for where you're at. It's really hard. Think about it. You see your girlfriend, right? You see her at Target, and she looks pissed. And she doesn't even really look at you. And she was short in conversation and you're like, What's her deal? Like she mad at me? Little do you know, she just got off the toilet and bled and lost another baby. You don't know that, right? We don't know these things. So if we can talk to our inner circle and say, this is where I'm at, this is where I'm struggling. And I'm sorry, if I'm not showing up in the best way that I can be because I was the friend like, I'm gonna pop by and give you dinner and love on you and show up and do and I stopped doing those things. And it's easy to say if you were the person on the other side of it. I don't know what happened in jail. I don't know. I guess she doesn't like me anymore. I'm not sure. But when people found out what we were going through, they were like, Oh, well, well, golly, give the girl some space, you know, and I'd see people out in public and they would love me differently, not expect me to perform and be like, Oh, sure, let's go let's do because I truly wasn't in a season of going and doing and so that'd be my biggest advice is tell your inner circle. No, it's okay to not be okay. communicate that with people. Remove yourself if needed, unfollow, if needed, and sometimes it sucks. It's so sucks, right? We put on the face for the baby shower, the birthday party, but it's also okay, after you leave, to not feel okay. And to say that was emotionally draining and exhausting. And I need a minute and go remove yourself in verbalize that to your husband, your best friend and say today is not okay. My best friend and I were just on a flight last week we went to Phoenix together and God love her. She went through infertility in her own way. And I was deleting because you can't do much on an airplane. So I was deleting pictures, the 9000 petroleum collodion pictures on my phone, and I came across a picture and it was me sitting on my bathroom floor had glasses on greasy hair, literally snot and tears everywhere. And it was a selfie. And that picture I sent to her one day on a really, really, really hard day. And I just told her, I can't get up and get ready to go to church today. I truly cannot be around people. And we were on the prayer team. I was a door greeter my Usher. And I said I can't love people today. And I'll never forget taking that picture. And I was able to verbalize that to her and she was able to give me grace and to say it's okay to not be okay. And she was able to like cover up, you know and say Hey, Joe means a minute. But I could see how if I was to walk into church and be garden being like, good morning, good morning. What, what's wrong with that door greeter? No, I truly didn't need to be there that day.


Yeah, and I love that you've had people in your corner. I know, that's probably one of the reasons we started sharing and doing this podcast was helping other women and mamas know that they're not alone in the seasons that they're going through, you know, and hopefully this message will be an encouragement, open that door to be vulnerable with a close person or you know, family member so that people are not walking through something, or the law


just confined in someone and just tell them, It's okay, you know, you're not okay. And think about that, as the girlfriend that you are if somebody texts you today or called you today and said, Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? And they poured out a struggle you were having? What kind of friend are you? You're probably the friend that says, Oh, my girl, I'm here. What do we do? Let's get what are we doing? How can I help you? I am here. So people want to love us too. They do people want to love us in a valley. We assume people are too busy or cannot or this or that. And then another advice I would love to share just real quick. If you are the friend of the person who's struggling, if you are the sister in law, the person in short, how can you love that person in that valley? For me, some of the best things that ever happened, some of my close friends were just involved in as much as they could be. They would just say hey, when's the next doctor's appointment? And I would say, you know, September the third. And then I guess each and every one of them went and put it in their calendar set an alarm on their phone and that morning of September 3 The girls that I would tell that to they were in my inbox okay, I'm expecting a good report. You share what you want to share. I am here I am open I love you. They give me a scripture they pray over me they would just whatever. And they would say in the message you don't have to get back to me. Don't even think about I just was I'm here to tell you. I know you're on with the doctor. And I'm covering you in prayer. And that was powerful for me that they set aside that time in that day to think about me little snippets to they knew I got a bad report. They knew we went through another loss. They didn't need to see me they didn't need me to perform for them but on my doorstep would just be like Chick fil A. And then just it would say like sometimes you need some fried chicken in a cookie.


No, it is the best fried chicken and cookies.


Yes it is. Yes.


But having the people take that away from me that responsibility of you don't have to give it you don't have to tell me anything that I'm just here to say this to you today was really powerful because a lot of times we think we have to get back to people and be like, Yeah, this was okay. Because sometimes you're too emotionally exhausted to even explain it.


Well, this was amazing. And you're incredible. And we will be sharing your contact information people can follow you on Instagram. Almost joking, but I'm open. I don't know that there's too open because honestly, if you invite people in, and that incredible Well, thank you so much for your time. Joe. This has been incredible. Thanks for the laughs and the tears. There's a lot of sniffle


editor I'll be getting all of those out. But if not, that's okay.


video with all that, that wiping up the


cheeks. Oh, yeah, I need like I'm changing my shirt over here. I'm like weaponize the tissue.


Oh, we're we were over here crying with you. And just incredible. Thank you very, very much for sharing. I'm honored. I'm honored. And housewives. Follow us. Again. Follow Jill for more encouragement and please share this with a mama and waiting that you know or a friend that you know that's been struggling with infertility. Please share this because we know it'll be encouragement to them. Thank you have a good day.


Bye housewives.


Whether we made you laugh or cry today, we pray you feel appreciated, older and braver than yesterday. stronger and more faithful for tomorrow, but living in who you were made to be today. Join our online community on Facebook. Find our link in the show notes. Be sure to review and subscribe on Apple podcasts or wherever you enjoy listening. Until next time, housewives. We give you permission to walk confidently freely be intentional in your slippers or so let us

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