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You Actually Are a Good Mom, Episode 9


Hey housewives. Come on in. You know, the dirty dishes are still in the sink and the laundry is still in the basket. Pop your air pods and make yourself at home here. I'm Tori. I'm Tracy. And we are You're unlikely housewives stepping out in faith and believing that God calls me unlikely. We are here to show you the appreciation and validation you deserve lead you to authentic relationships and release you from believing the cultural lies to restore your faith and wellness. Pull up those high waisted yoga pants. Tighten your top knot and reheat your coffee for the third time today. Turn up the volume and let's go


eight housewives welcome back today. We are excited to talk to you about being Mama's one of our favorite pride enjoys being Mama's okay. So what we're going to talk about real briefly is that being a mom makes you question everything while also feeling like you know it all? Is that how you feel as a mama? Oh, yeah, that you know, everything and nothing at all at the same time. Right? So he's extremely confusing, right? I don't understand it. Nope. But we're killing it. Yeah. But if you ask my eight year old, she knows everything. So we could just ask parenting advice from her. That's true. That is absolutely true. But we could ask a couple of your kids to feel the same way, especially the teenagers. So with talking about Mama's and all these feelings of being questioning everything and knowing it all, we know that with our current culture that we live in, we have resources and help for every angle of being a mama. But we also have advice and criticism on everything, everything. Yeah, which brings in a whole lot of mama guilt into mama shaming. And that is what we're going to talk about today. So before we do, we are going to highlight another review. And this one is from Ren gemo. From the beginning, I felt as if I was sitting in the closet with you and talking with friends. You guys truly compliment each other. And it is so refreshing to hear and truly see two women who are true warriors, your independent women who are also wives, mothers, daughters and friends who want to make a positive impact on others. And you are doing exactly that. Thank you for putting yourselves out there and being real not perfect. I look forward to listening to many, many more of your episodes. Well, thank you so much for the kind words, we so appreciate it. And if you want your review highlighted on the next podcast, please be sure to leave one so we can have one to read. Absolutely. And how perfect was that like being real and not perfect? We're going to share some of those stories today. Yeah, we are. Alright, well, let's dive in to motherhood thing. The fun part that we have to share is how we each became mamas share a little personal story for those that are just maybe catching this episode. So I am a mama of four kiddos. Now currently ranging from 13 to seven, but that was for kids in six years. So that was hard. A lot. That was insane. So yeah, like I have some stories to tell that. I agree. Yeah, we have some stories to tell. But I know that there's so many more to come to you, Mama. I have got a eight year old and a seven year olds. They're 17 months apart. As I like to say it's like having twins but not getting the credit. Yeah, sounds like it. Yeah. So they're back to back in school? Uh huh. Uh huh. So that that comes with a whole new set of complications of when we get invited to birthday parties. Sister knows who all the friends of other sister are, and why didn't I get an invite? And we're working on all the fun of that. Yeah. It's so crazy how all of our kids are only two years apart. But how we spread in school is insane. Like it's absolutely crazy. That because of how the birthdays fall, yeah, we have like years between three years between and then the back to back and then three years between soccer Yeah, yeah. So it makes that like going through school and that education part like seem way longer. Hey, but it breaks up the college payment plan. That is true. Yeah, you're gonna have to deal with that. Now we're gonna tell not to go? Yeah, who knows where we'll be by then. Right? It's a mother of four years now. Yeah. Well, we want to talk about doubting your own motherhood, intuition, when we started talking about okay, where does this guilt and shame come in? When does it start? Well, it starts from the very beginning, the beginning of becoming moms when you think okay, you have that nine month pregnancy It's, you just have all this time to read and ask questions and get advice, and then the baby's born, and you're like, it's all gonna kick in. But then it doesn't. And then there's that worry, and that fear and how am I going to do this? And am I going to do it right? Am I doing enough? Yes. And I definitely my hardest transition into motherhood was definitely the first, like, just those firsts of everything. Were so hard. I would second that for myself as well, because I don't have a background with kids. Yeah, I did not babysit. I never babysat in high school and middle school. That was not my thing. I did not enjoy it. Whatever reason I don't like other people's children.


Except for my meal. Yes, I love you. But the first diaper I ever changed was my oldest. I didn't hold a newborn baby until I was probably in my early 20s. Yeah. And so it was a whole new adventure, for trying to figure out stuff. And you're right. There's so much information out there. You know, you get the books, you're asking the friends? What do I need? What do I don't need your you're Googling late at night, when you can't sleep and get comfortable? You're doing all of that. And you can find an answer for anything. But you could also find another answer. And it's the same thing. But different, right? Yeah, when you're talking to you, you actually made me correct myself that the guilt of what do I need? And if I'm going to do everything actually start doing the babies in the womb, because when you start to ask those questions on Facebook, you know, you see the moms like, what should I put in my hospital bag? Or what do I need on the registry? And then you get all the advice? You're like, well, if I don't have that, am I gonna be okay, is the baby gonna be okay, they don't have that. You know, Sophia the giraffe? Ooh, or the pacifier? Oh, that's a conversation right? Where your do you use a passport? Or some parents don't want to use a password fine. Okay. Or then when your kid is three and still has a pacifier, then you get the looks of like, oh, or I see that for you. Yeah, in a diaper. They didn't do that potty training early. And yeah. And then that's kind of like, okay, am I going to ruin my children's teeth for at forever, and they're going to look like a horse? What am I doing all because she wanted a pacifier. And I just went to sleep and I just went to sleep. And I just can't, well, I know those, you all are kind of laughing or nodding or going yes, if only my child stopped sucking your thumb before seven years old, you know, you're either relating, or you have that mom guilt a little bit too. So we're not wanting to impress the mom guilt on you. We want to laugh with you and encourage you, we want to tell our first like real mom guilt stories so that you can kind of see when we really felt it and how, you know, we all have these stories where it's a stepping stone of like growth and where you're gonna go from there. And my first mom guilt was failing at breastfeeding. Now, I say that because I didn't fail at breastfeeding. But that is how I felt at the time being a first time mom, I had postpartum hypothyroidism, which caused me to not produce my lactating hormone and my other hormones, like all the things just were not balancing, I was all over the place. And I didn't know it at the time, obviously, through some research and some things that we did afterwards. That's how it was identified, I could not produce and I was supplementing, and that guilt of supplementing, not being able to fully breastfeed, and it not being natural, like I struggled. And I was the girl who babysat and knew all the things from 12 years old and on and I knew that I was just going to be this great mom, until I became a mom, then I'm like, wow, this is really hard. Everything about it. And that mom guilt kicked in. When I went to the doctor, I was really struggling with nursing and with depression. And she was like, Well, you do have postpartum depression. And some people will think this is absolute crazy advice. But she told me to quit cold turkey if I didn't want to go on, you know, depression medicine. And I was like, Okay, well, that's what I'm doing. And I quit cold turkey, and went through. Like, during that whole season of my postpartum depression, it was really hard. And I kept a lot of it to myself, because shame, I felt shame for not being good enough to breastfeed for having postpartum depression and having all these feelings. I didn't know how to handle it. Now I talk about it freely. And I want other moms to know that that's actually more normal than you think. But that was my first experience. I quit cold turkey. And when I let go, I felt so much better. I actually started healing mentally and physically. That's incredible. Because so much is put on whether you do formula or whether you're nursing. I mean, and you don't realize it and you're in the midst of it. And I totally agree that women are built to if you don't nurse your baby naturally. Oh my gosh, then you are right. How can How could you win? That's, you do what's best for you in the baby's health period, we have to assume that as individuals, as moms, we are making the best decision for ourselves and for our children's with the information that we currently know,


in with your spouse with your husband, right? You know, like, I have to assume that of others too. Yes, is when we'll get into that we're shaming other women, right. But that's a lot of where that comes in. We're thinking, Well, I know better. How do they not? Yeah, but I think for me, mine kind of goes off of my first round of mom guilt was really when I was pregnant with my second, my oldest was seven months at the time. And it was, I was anxious. I didn't know what was going on. I was fearful of going into this, you know, having the second baby because I was, I wasn't even figuring out the first one. And so when I went to the doctor they talked about, she decided that it was a good idea to put me on an antidepressant. And to deal with that, because I was still postpartum, you know, and I was pregnant, and she said, if you're stressed, is going to stress the baby. And so we need to calm you down. And so that's what we did. But that's a whole other round of what are you putting in your body? And, you know, and if there had been anything wrong with my second when she was born, you know, how much guilt? What did that because you put that on you like, what did I do? How could I it was it must have been the lunch meat I ate? Or the sushi or the sushi? Or that one glass of wine and the night trimester, and just to get myself through the day. But you know, it's it's unreal, the the stories we tell ourselves, yeah. And to create that guilt, we've all got a story. I mean, you guys can sit there and say, yep, I had that one time, or I'm still experiencing. I mean, we know mom guilt still occurs, we had some things that we were gonna just run through that we know, affect so many moms. And one of them is, you know, that for me having four kids, am I spending enough time with each kid? Like, are they getting enough quality time? Are they getting that mom time, like, I have a kid or two out of the four that just requires more, whether it's the help in the school, or they're more emotional support, there's just some things that you go through that maybe a child is needing more than the other. And every, like, I am a strong believer in just the each kid was created and designed by God for their birth order for who they are for how they adapt in the family. You know, so I try to look at that of going okay, well, some just need more than others. Yes. And what God knew God created you to be the perfect parent, for your child and your child to be exactly what you needed, right? Because let's be honest, our children refine us as well. Right? And they like to just as much as our spouse is meant to refine us and pull out some of the stuff that God is trying to let us let go of. And that's something that's very comforting thought it wasn't by accident that I've had this shot, you know, the, especially if your kid challenges you, where we might be in a stage of everything's an argument, like I said, that I know better. Yeah. Right. Or sleep or? Or eating or Yeah, I mean, all the things right. One more bite. Just eat one more bite. Exactly. Uh huh. And so every season, there's something to go through with that. Yeah. So some of the other mom guilt that we have actually talked about when this came about was with our grade school kids, you know, that my kid isn't reading at grade level, you know, you see the the videos or the stories, then that comparison steps in real quick of my kids the same age and they're not reading at that same level, Oh, I must be doing something wrong, or I didn't do enough or what the commercial immediately made me think of the commercial that you see on all the baby channels that are my kid was reading by one year. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes. You know what? Somebody out there knows worked for me, right? But that one, but there's one for babies that's like, where they're reading? Well, my child is, you know, he's reading a fourth grade level and kindergarten and you're like, what? Some kids are gifted. That's lovely. Yes. No mom guilt if your child is needing a little extra help,


right? Well, and we're talking to you about how we support our kids differently. Right. Okay, so I have got a funny story about that. So my girls are in gymnastics. And last year was the first year that they got to compete because of COVID. And so their coaches decided it would be a good idea to like a couple weeks before their first official one to do like a little mock meet at their practice gym. And so my youngest had all all practice the whole warm up, you know, since she had been practicing, kept telling her coach that She couldn't clap for her. And so the coach told me, she was your daughter won't let me clap for her, or cheer for her or say anything for her. And I was like, okay, alright, let me talk to her about it. So her father and I just didn't like, she's like, No, no cheering, no clapping. I'm not, I'm not going to compete. What. And we had to have this conversation with her. And we came to a compromise that no one would clap, or cheer for her, or say her name while she was competing. And she was, so you're going to tell everybody all the other parents night. And I said, I will hold up a sign that says, Please do not clap for my daughter. And sure enough, that's exactly what I did. And you won't see some of the looks I got from other parents. They were looking at me, like a death glare of like, What kind of mother says Don't clap for my child. It was as if she wasn't doing good enough, like do not approve of this. This type of work ethic zing, that one you had the conversation into, you held up the sign. I remember when you did that. And I thought that was really awesome. It was just by the end of the meet all the other, the parents finally because they were kind of like whispering amongst themselves, and I would hear them and I'd be like, it's because my daughter doesn't like clapping and she doesn't like the attention. And so we're just like clapping and so they're like, oh, oh, I did have to explain myself. But it wasn't until I explained myself that all the other parents kind of let me off that. I'm the opposite. I'm kind of a natural born cheerleader. Goes back to my roots and my cheerleading days, and my children know that mom and dad will be the loudest two people, their sporting events, and it's okay, because our kids know if we're cheering for them. They're listening for us. We're encouraging. I mean, we count those moments, or maybe we weren't, and we thought the Talk or the email from the coach, but we you know, we correct ourselves. It's, we're not perfect, but I like to cheer for my kids. Yeah. And other kids know that. You're cheering for them? Yes, absolutely. I actually had one of my daughter's friends on our soccer team be like, oh, yeah, you're the cheering mom. I always hear when you when you say my name. I'm like, Oh, they recognize they get encouragement. So I'm gonna just turn on my kids and turn on other kids too. Yeah. I think kids like that. As long as you're not screaming profanities. And you know, I'm not trying for your child. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, you can't, you're fine. All right. Well, there's a couple other mom guilt things that we'll run through. And just because we want to make you laugh, okay, so how many times have you been in McDonald's drive thru and thought to yourself, I shouldn't be getting this. Oh, this is not what so and so's mom is getting feeding her kids tonight before they go to their event? And you sit there and mom guilt. I shouldn't be doing this. Well, we're here to tell you. It doesn't matter if you cook at home. Or you're feeding them in the drive. throughs. Mom, you're a good mom. Absolutely. I did that. I fed my kids on a drive thru on the way to school this morning. Yeah, it happens. I mean, shoot, we all know sometimes we have grocery sometimes we don't? Yes. Right. Like, let's go on to how we shouldn't put ourselves in a box. Right? I was going through Pinterest the other day. And I was just searching motherhood kind of getting ideas and trying to, you know, market research, per se. And I kept seeing these three ways to be a better mom today. The 10 types of moms and if you want to have your children do this, then read this article. And I was like, that's crazy. It's insane. How much is out there and I know the intention behind it is to encourage moms. Whatever season you're in, you know new mom Tada, mom, elementary, middle, and mom, teen moms, these moms mentor mom. Yeah, you know, there's a lot of seasons for them. And I know that people are seeking advice. And it's it's common, I mean, we've done it, you know, and that's why we created the podcast. We want to talk into it because we know that women are feeling empty. They are feeling not good enough. Is the Harrison game like you said you were on Pinterest. We I mean What about the Pinterest moms that show up at the schools we don't get to see it as visually because we're not in schools anymore and the classrooms doing you know my school


is well we'll have a private school versus public school podcasting fire nice right there. But that is the boy on the side. On a side note. I was only allowed in a Bible study if I promised not to brag about our school. That was the only way they would let me and we love you but you're not allowed to talk about your school to see we only live two miles apart in our schools are only a half mile maybe a mile apart. But yeah. Oh, it's so funny. Yes, but not putting yourself ANNA box of what type of mom you are, or comparing yourself to a Pinterest mom. Some of the things that we have dealt with over the last few years is being a, like transitioning from being a stay at home mom to a work at home mom, like that's different for us. And now we run two businesses and we are still stay at home moms and we're working at home moms. And in all of this, we got to talking about it. You guys, there's a label for every frickin mom. You want to be a homeschool mom. Yeah, be a school public school mom would be private school mom, a foster mom and adoptive mom, a working mom? And what if we need to take those adjectives before mom or all circumstances? Take that additive away, your mom, your mom, that's it, it doesn't matter. And that's what we all have in common. That's what we are created to be his mom, it doesn't matter what the additive is in front of it. Motherhood has just been defined it is that lately, I mean, you you see it. It's the hashtags. I mean, we all use it. And it is something that we're defining what type of mom we are so that we feel good being that mom like I'm in this group of moms are I'm in that group of moms. Ladies, if you're a mama, whether it's adoptive foster natural, however you have become a mom, you are a mom, God gifted you a child to love and to take care of. And we've lost that in culture and in social media and everything that we're experiencing. We've lost that. Just true feeling and contentment of I'm a good mom, we question everything. And we don't need to if it's what's best for you, you and your spouse, you decide in your family what is best for your kids, then it's great. You're a good mom. Yes. And you do the best with what you know, that gives us no reason to judge to shame another mom. And there's a lot going on in the world right now. Very heavy of guilt and shame right now, yes, about whether you choose to do this with your child or do that with your child. And there are two camps. And what we're forgetting is that we're still moms, we still are choosing what we feel is the best thing for our children. Period. Yeah, you don't know what is going on with those children. Like you don't know what's going on with every child is completely different in a family, we know that, you know, I'm very vocal and open about my daughter's anxiety struggle and what we've been through over the last two to three years. And I do that because that's the type of person I am one I process to I want others to feel like they're not alone. And three, it has bound me such an incredible community for anxiety and children. That is helped me help my child, right. But I have never once well maybe in the beginning when I was so lost because I'm a fixer. I was so lost. I didn't know how to help her. I felt like when I caused this, I'm not a good mom, I didn't do something right. Well, that's not the case at all. And I would say that now that I've walked that path, I understand it a little bit better. But I was a good mom, when she was triggered and got anxiety. And I'm a good mom. Now when we've walked through it, you know, and I think a lot of people label themselves as a not good mom or good mom based on a circumstance of something that you're walking through with a specific child,


right. And a lot of that stuff is out of our control, you know, and we cannot choose to say I'm not enough, because that is just stripping your joy. And your kids gonna pick up on that they you're feeling inadequate. And kids are smart, very, very smart. They pick up on the emotions, they pick up on the body language, they don't always know what exactly what it means at the time. But they pick it up. So when we're down on ourselves and not feeling strong, and our identity as their mom and as a parental figure. Like, if you're giving them the security of I've got you, I have got you I am your mom, I am one of your parents, and we are making decisions based for you, not against you. This is what we're doing. The kids gonna feel that and feel secure. And feel that that love from you. Yeah, and that and then identity in the family of work together. We're in this together, right? So we've kind of talked about not being in a box. But let's talk about how we treat other moms and doing that. That shaming. Because it is so common. It is so easy to make a comment on somebody's Instagram post or their Instagram story. You've had a couple of moms shaves on those. Uh huh. Christian mamas. Yes. Yes. Yeah. I still have it does not matter which is mind boggling. Yeah. And I think that's we wanted to bring it up because mama Jae min is real deal and I'm seeing More and more people are hiding behind that post or that phone or whatever you're using to make comments and judgments. And from a Christian perspective, I made that joke a little bit. But really, there are some people that can come to you with truth and love, like you. And I can say whatever we want to each other, because we know that is coming from the right place of hey, I'm here for you. I want to help you. I've noticed something vice versa, right? Absolutely. You could do that to me, too, right? And that's actually how this all started was in all of our conversations in our sauna about being a mom and struggling, and you pick me up when I'm down and vice versa, right. But if you're using it to lift yourself up by telling someone something that they're doing wrong, that's mom shaming. Yes. And just because another mom does it differently than you doesn't make it wrong. Exactly. doesn't make it wrong. It's just not your choice. You didn't choose to do it that way. So, so be it. And unless somebody is physically hurting their child, you do not need to get in the middle of that. Yeah. And I'm talking about abuse physically hurting their child, you know, and you can say, if you have to say it, say it to yourself, and then don't press send, right, we both have walked through so much mom shaming, especially in these last few years. And more recently, you've seen it. And that's where the mom guilt comes in is you see the posts, you see the announcements, you see the way that people are living differently than what you're thinking and believing right now. And that causes so much question of, Am I doing this? Right? Am I good enough? I don't care what side of the political aisle you sit on, I don't care what side of the culture that we are walking through and living through right now. Whatever you were doing for you, and your family and your kids, is right for you. You're a good mom. That's the story that needs to be told way more than, well, I'm doing this, and you're doing that. And we can't just stay in our own lane. Yeah. And we have to because you guys, mamas, you are in control of your actions for your children. And how you respond to if they get in trouble at school, if they need help at school, if they've you know, had a fight themselves with another child, like you handle it with your kids. And if obviously, parents need to get involved in parent to parent, you can have a conversation. But there's so much of that. Well, I don't want you to upset so and so's parents, or I don't want you to do this, because that's gonna, you know, cause strife in that area. Well, if it does, you're doing what's best for your family.


We're worried to offend other parents. Yeah, in reaction to help doing what we feel is best for our children. Which, because we're worrying me about being offended, then it's then we feel the guilt if we do offend them, and then we feel the shame. And then it's just this never ending cycle. Yeah. And to clarify, we're talking about healthy parent and children relationships. Okay. This is not talking about the outliers and the exceptions. We're not talking about, if somebody is a victim of abuse, if those kinds of situations are going on. That is, that is not what we're discussing here. We're also not talking about things that you know, are wrong, that children should not be exposed to. That's completely different. Yeah, we're talking to the majority, where we truly believe that you as a mom are doing what you feel is right for you and your kids. Yep. And I should not have any judgment towards that. I will not have to when I stand in front of the pearly gates, I am not going to account for what your kid did, I'm going to account for what my kids have done. And so that is where I get my instruction from my heavenly Father. And when he says, Did you raise them up in the way they should go? I can say yes, I can say no, I can say, Wow, I tried. Really, really dried, have you met? Will be Did you learn anything? Right, right? Oh, but that's the simple truth. The simple truth is, I'm not going to have to take account for any of the actions that your child has done or any of the decisions of that. The only decisions I need to be accountable for are mine, and my children's. And that's it. And I think that if we accepted that, and didn't feel the need to tell other moms that they're doing a crappy job. Yeah, we would be happier. Absolutely. If the comparison went away. If we just stopped feeling guilty for all the things and we just started living our lives loving our kids, and we would just feel so much better. We have so much more joy in our motherhood and our parents. Yeah, because she was so much more peace. You would be not. You wouldn't be worried. about stuff. Yep. You are exactly the kind of mom your kids need. And your kids are exactly what you need. So we're going to wrap this up by saying, Tori, you're good mom. Tracy. You're a good mom. Hey, guess what? Housewives. Each one of you are good moms. We are looking forward to talking to you guys next week. And in the meantime, have a great day. Be a great mom. Be the good mom you are. Whether we made you laugh or cry today, we pray you feel appreciated bolder and braver than yesterday. stronger and more faithful for tomorrow, but living in who you were made to be today. Join our online community on Facebook. Find our link in the show notes. Be sure to review and subscribe on Apple podcasts or wherever you enjoy listening. Until next time, housewives. We give you permission to walk confidently freely. Be intentional in your slippers or stilettos.

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